I wrote this post in early November, but didn't want to post it until I was out of my funk. I think now is the time to explain how I really felt.
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I wasn't going to blog that much about anxiety. I wanted to make this a happy place where my anxiety isn't something that defines me. But you know what; fuck it. I'm going through shit right now and I need somewhere to vent, it's either this or alienating everyone I know with whats going on.
1. I didn't get a student loan. And I will not get one until I get up to speed with my school work (meaning I have to take at least two exams, in order to get student loans). Thing is, if I don't get a student loan, I can't afford going to school. And once again the fact that I was on sick-leave bites me in the arse. Bloody brilliant.. So I'm weighing my options, I will have to get a part time job, which is going to be a walk in the park with no education and very little work experience. I'm going to have to take up another loan to pay the bills I haven't been able to pay whilst waiting for my rejection letter. This is not helping my anxiety at all,
I took a nap to calm down, and dreamt that I would lose my house, my boyfriend and everything else and would be forced to live on the street for the rest of my life. When I woke up I wasn't as calm as I had hoped I would be. In this dream I was forced into becoming a stripper to pay the bills. That won't work for me because 1) I don't have a high enough confidence or low enough self respect for it. 2) I can't dance 3) I'm just not hot enough 4) I don't think we even have strip clubs in Norway, if so, I've never heard of one. Needless to say, stripping would be a lot easier of a career option if I lived in the states.
This is taking my focus away from school work so I can't seem to concentrate and I am falling behind, scrambling to pick up the pieces I'm exhausting myself with 15 hour days. And I'm still recovering from the last time I was sick, I can't in any way afford to go back there. There's a good chance I might go completely insane if that happens, no joke.
All of this is happening at a time when my anxiety, as I have previously told you, is acting up. I'm scared and worried all the time, and my "worst case scenario handbook" is not helping AT ALL. I worry about money, how I'm going to make it out of this pickle. I don't want my boyfriend to have to pay for everything, though I know he is happy to do so in order for me to get a good education. I will stop eating if I have to. I'll turn down the heat and only shower every other day or so.
This is making me moody, and I haven't been a good girlfriend lately. I normally cry a lot, but this is just ridiculous. I get so emotional it's not even funny.
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onsdag 11. februar 2015
lørdag 7. februar 2015
I wish
Having anxiety means I always have a way out of every situation, and I have a backup plan (well, several actually). I'm excellent at backing out of situations that I don't want to be in, mostly with shit excuses that everyone can see right through. Most people don't say anything though, I'm grateful for that. My back-up plans include being a check-out girl at my local store, working in a kindergarten for the rest of my life (which I absolutely love, don't get me wrong. Nothing beats going to the bathroom while five toddlers are banging down the door and shouting your name, makes me feel like a rock star. It's just not where my passions lie.)
I wish I had the confidence needed to believe in myself, and to believe I could do anything. A lot of people my age have got big dreams, and I envy those who believes in themselves, and have the power of will. That they can do anything they want, and that they have the power to make it happen . I, for some reason, don't. I don't know when it stopped. I remember wanting to be a singer and an actress. Oh, and a comedian. Now, I've never claimed that I'm good at acting, nor that I can sing or that I'm a funny girl. I just wanted to be, and I could probably have been with practice. It's just that I'm kind of lazy, and I had other things to deal with, like anxiety and stuff.
I want to get there. I want to be able to say "I did this, I think it's freaking fabulous and I'm proud of my accomplishment" I want to have the guts to just go when I want to travel somewhere, maybe by myself, maybe with a friend or with someone I've never met. I want so bad to be like those I look up to. Who throw themselves into unknown situations without thinking twice, and that have amazing stories to tell because of it. For know I'll read their blogs, watch their youtube videos and wish I was more like them. Maybe someday I'll work up the courage to take the plunge.
I wish I had the confidence needed to believe in myself, and to believe I could do anything. A lot of people my age have got big dreams, and I envy those who believes in themselves, and have the power of will. That they can do anything they want, and that they have the power to make it happen . I, for some reason, don't. I don't know when it stopped. I remember wanting to be a singer and an actress. Oh, and a comedian. Now, I've never claimed that I'm good at acting, nor that I can sing or that I'm a funny girl. I just wanted to be, and I could probably have been with practice. It's just that I'm kind of lazy, and I had other things to deal with, like anxiety and stuff.
I want to get there. I want to be able to say "I did this, I think it's freaking fabulous and I'm proud of my accomplishment" I want to have the guts to just go when I want to travel somewhere, maybe by myself, maybe with a friend or with someone I've never met. I want so bad to be like those I look up to. Who throw themselves into unknown situations without thinking twice, and that have amazing stories to tell because of it. For know I'll read their blogs, watch their youtube videos and wish I was more like them. Maybe someday I'll work up the courage to take the plunge.
onsdag 4. februar 2015
Letter to my childhood bully
Dear Childhood bully.
I forgive you. I've never been one to hold on to resentment and anger, but in the back of my mind I do wonder sometimes why I was the one who was targeted. Why wasn't I good enough? Looking back at those years of being bullied I feel nothing but sadness. I'm sad for you. I'm sad for whatever shitty situation you were in, to make you bully others to make yourself feel better. Maybe you weren't in a shitty situation, maybe you were just a shitty person. I'll never know.
I've met you a few times after growing up. You always smile and greet me like an old friend, you always want to talk, I never have time. Do you remember things differently than I do? Did you not know that I went home everyday to cry? I spent a lot of my childhood wondering why my hair was not the right color (I knew it wasn't, because you told me so), or why it wasn't long enough or cut the right way. I wondered why I was not pretty enough, why I was to tall or to chubby. You told me I was so bad at handball I should just quit, so I did.
I know now that I'm just the right height, and my size is completely normal. And my two different eyes are beautiful, not something I should hide. My hair can be any way I want it to be, and if anybody else has got something to say about that I flip them off (inside my head of course, not brave enough to actually do it). I'm still bad at any sport, so you were probably right about that. I'll never know if practice makes perfect, because I turned out to be a quitter. If I don't get it right the first time I never try again, but I've embraced that as part of my personality.
Dear childhood bully, you didn't break me.
I forgive you. I've never been one to hold on to resentment and anger, but in the back of my mind I do wonder sometimes why I was the one who was targeted. Why wasn't I good enough? Looking back at those years of being bullied I feel nothing but sadness. I'm sad for you. I'm sad for whatever shitty situation you were in, to make you bully others to make yourself feel better. Maybe you weren't in a shitty situation, maybe you were just a shitty person. I'll never know.
I've met you a few times after growing up. You always smile and greet me like an old friend, you always want to talk, I never have time. Do you remember things differently than I do? Did you not know that I went home everyday to cry? I spent a lot of my childhood wondering why my hair was not the right color (I knew it wasn't, because you told me so), or why it wasn't long enough or cut the right way. I wondered why I was not pretty enough, why I was to tall or to chubby. You told me I was so bad at handball I should just quit, so I did.
I know now that I'm just the right height, and my size is completely normal. And my two different eyes are beautiful, not something I should hide. My hair can be any way I want it to be, and if anybody else has got something to say about that I flip them off (inside my head of course, not brave enough to actually do it). I'm still bad at any sport, so you were probably right about that. I'll never know if practice makes perfect, because I turned out to be a quitter. If I don't get it right the first time I never try again, but I've embraced that as part of my personality.
Dear childhood bully, you didn't break me.
søndag 25. januar 2015
love
Butterflies. Blushing. Smiling when I'm with you. Smiling when you're not around. Giggling at the mere thought of you. Sweet kisses. Pure Happiness. Sharing everything. No secrets. No regrets. arguing over silly things like who's turn it is to do the dishes. Letting you win because just looking at you fills my heart with more love than I ever thought was possible. Sleeping on your chest. Feeling your heart beat. Forehead kisses. Looking at you when you're doing something you love. Knowing this is where I'm supposed to be.
I've always been told we were to young to find the love of our lives at 18, I strongly disagree. Deciding to go for him was the best choice I've ever made. It's closing in on six years, and I'm not having any regrets. We get to see the world and all it's mysteries together.
I've always been told we were to young to find the love of our lives at 18, I strongly disagree. Deciding to go for him was the best choice I've ever made. It's closing in on six years, and I'm not having any regrets. We get to see the world and all it's mysteries together.
tirsdag 25. november 2014
Feeling Lost.
I get inspiration from everyone, and everything around me. This time, it's Youtube, Will Darbyshire to be exact. You can find his video about feeling lost here.
After high school, at the age of 19, I went straight to college to become a kindergarten teacher. Long story short, I dropped out because it just wasn't my thing. Instead I got a job in a kindergarten ( oh, the irony!), I stayed there for almost four years. I was lost. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don't, to be honest. Though I've started to narrow it down a bit.
Last october I decided that I wanted to go back to school, and as the impulsive person I am I could not wait another minute! It was now or never, so to speak. This is where online classes come in. I sent in a application, paid an absurd amount of money for something I could have gotten for free had I waited another nine months. But who's got time for that? I've always been interested in food, and how food can make you sick/better. Can food substitute medisine? I find this subject so fascinating! An that is the short version of the story of why I'm studying to become a nutrionist.
Yesterday I got an exam back. I got a C.. And all of a sudden I'm like; Meh.. Do I really want to go to school? Am I really THAT interested in this? I felt like all my hard work and my effort wasn't worth it. In all honesty, I was devastated. I know I might come off as if I don't really care. But I do in fact spend day and night studying by myself. Just because I spend a couple of hours around noon doing other things, like struggling with getting my photos edited exactly how I want them to look, does not mean that I don't put in an effort at all when it comes to school, because I do.
Pretending like I don't care is my safety-net, if things don't go my way, no one will ever know how much I actually wanted it to happen. Except for me, I'll know.
Fast forward to a pep talk from the current love of my life, and I'm feeling better. It's just a C. My first C, it's not to bad. And should I want to, I can always retake the test. No biggie. I realise now that I sound like an absolute basketcase. I'm not, I promise. Or maybe I am, who really knows anymore? This was not where I wanted to go with this post. What I do know; is that I'm going to take my teacup back to the couch, read another few pages about muscles, and then call it a night.
After high school, at the age of 19, I went straight to college to become a kindergarten teacher. Long story short, I dropped out because it just wasn't my thing. Instead I got a job in a kindergarten ( oh, the irony!), I stayed there for almost four years. I was lost. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don't, to be honest. Though I've started to narrow it down a bit.
Last october I decided that I wanted to go back to school, and as the impulsive person I am I could not wait another minute! It was now or never, so to speak. This is where online classes come in. I sent in a application, paid an absurd amount of money for something I could have gotten for free had I waited another nine months. But who's got time for that? I've always been interested in food, and how food can make you sick/better. Can food substitute medisine? I find this subject so fascinating! An that is the short version of the story of why I'm studying to become a nutrionist.
Yesterday I got an exam back. I got a C.. And all of a sudden I'm like; Meh.. Do I really want to go to school? Am I really THAT interested in this? I felt like all my hard work and my effort wasn't worth it. In all honesty, I was devastated. I know I might come off as if I don't really care. But I do in fact spend day and night studying by myself. Just because I spend a couple of hours around noon doing other things, like struggling with getting my photos edited exactly how I want them to look, does not mean that I don't put in an effort at all when it comes to school, because I do.
Pretending like I don't care is my safety-net, if things don't go my way, no one will ever know how much I actually wanted it to happen. Except for me, I'll know.
Fast forward to a pep talk from the current love of my life, and I'm feeling better. It's just a C. My first C, it's not to bad. And should I want to, I can always retake the test. No biggie. I realise now that I sound like an absolute basketcase. I'm not, I promise. Or maybe I am, who really knows anymore? This was not where I wanted to go with this post. What I do know; is that I'm going to take my teacup back to the couch, read another few pages about muscles, and then call it a night.
This is a photo that has got nothing to do with anything.
torsdag 13. november 2014
15 Things day 26 | Facts about me
So, that break turned out to be a bit longer than intended. But it was well needed and well spent, and now I'm back! (-:
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søndag 12. oktober 2014
15 Things day 11 | Favorite Movies
If it hadn't been for the fact that I don't drink, I might have thought that I was drunk when I made this. Chances are, I was really tired! I Mean; The items on this list is CLEARLY not songs, but movies. however, I don't have time to change it at this time. So here goes, My favorite movies at the moment.
tirsdag 7. oktober 2014
Difference of opinion
I'm a Christian, I believe in God and I try to live by the values of the bible. Now, I'm not a fanatic, nor do I go to church ever or preach the word of the Lord to everyone who doesn't want to hear it. I've also been living with a man I'm not married to for the past four years, but that's a story for another day. I won't push my opinions on you, and I expect the same in return. I don't understand what makes people think that belittling your views and opinions is in any way OK. Because it's not. At all. Telling me that god does not exist won't make say; "well, okay then! I'm Atheist now". It's a matter of respect. I respect that you don't believe, I just wish these people would respct the fact that I do and just leave it at that. Not every single Christian is a judgemental arse by the way, just saying.
It doesn't end at religion. Off the top of my head I can list Rasicm, Politics and personal taste as things I don't expect others to share my views on, and that I know some people will expect that I do share theirs. Honestly, if you can't respect that you and I have different views on things then I really don't understand why we're talking to each other. I don't need that in my life at all. By the way, if you've EVER started a sentence with "I'm not a racist, but..." then yes you are, little bit. A little bit racist.
Just imagine how boring life would be if everyone agreed on everything. Think of those politic debates, can you say party? "We believe this and that!" "we agree!"....... well, that would be fun!
mandag 6. oktober 2014
søndag 17. februar 2013
Presentasjonen
Dette blir blogg nummer 4567876545678 sånn ca. Har blogget før, sluttet, slettet, opprettet en ny etter en stund. Nå er det tre år siden sist, den lengste pausen jeg noen gang har hatt, men det var godt.
Jeg er Cecilie Othilie, Cess for noen, Cessan for andre. Kjært barn har mange navn har jeg hørt. Jeg er 21 år gammel og har den siste mnd. brukt store deler av døgnet på å pusse opp det som skal bli drømmehuset etterhvert. I tillegg til verdens rareste katt får samboeren min gjennom 3 år være med på lasset.
Jeg liker ikke å sette merkelapper og stempel på ting, dette blir ikke en ren interiørblogg, eller matoghelseblogg, eller moteblogg, og blir jeg noen gang mamma kan jeg love her og nå at dette vil ALDRI bli en mammablogg. I første omgang tenker jeg vi sier at dette blir et utløp for ting jeg trenger å sette ord på, enten jeg vil vise frem mitt nye kjøkken eller jeg har noe på hjertet.
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Jeg er Cecilie Othilie, Cess for noen, Cessan for andre. Kjært barn har mange navn har jeg hørt. Jeg er 21 år gammel og har den siste mnd. brukt store deler av døgnet på å pusse opp det som skal bli drømmehuset etterhvert. I tillegg til verdens rareste katt får samboeren min gjennom 3 år være med på lasset.
Jeg liker ikke å sette merkelapper og stempel på ting, dette blir ikke en ren interiørblogg, eller matoghelseblogg, eller moteblogg, og blir jeg noen gang mamma kan jeg love her og nå at dette vil ALDRI bli en mammablogg. I første omgang tenker jeg vi sier at dette blir et utløp for ting jeg trenger å sette ord på, enten jeg vil vise frem mitt nye kjøkken eller jeg har noe på hjertet.
Facebook | Twitter | Bloglovin' | Personal Instagram | Youtube | 15Things Instagram
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