Having anxiety means I always have a way out of every situation, and I have a backup plan (well, several actually). I'm excellent at backing out of situations that I don't want to be in, mostly with shit excuses that everyone can see right through. Most people don't say anything though, I'm grateful for that. My back-up plans include being a check-out girl at my local store, working in a kindergarten for the rest of my life (which I absolutely love, don't get me wrong. Nothing beats going to the bathroom while five toddlers are banging down the door and shouting your name, makes me feel like a rock star. It's just not where my passions lie.)
I wish I had the confidence needed to believe in myself, and to believe I could do anything. A lot of people my age have got big dreams, and I envy those who believes in themselves, and have the power of will. That they can do anything they want, and that they have the power to make it happen . I, for some reason, don't. I don't know when it stopped. I remember wanting to be a singer and an actress. Oh, and a comedian. Now, I've never claimed that I'm good at acting, nor that I can sing or that I'm a funny girl. I just wanted to be, and I could probably have been with practice. It's just that I'm kind of lazy, and I had other things to deal with, like anxiety and stuff.
I want to get there. I want to be able to say "I did this, I think it's freaking fabulous and I'm proud of my accomplishment" I want to have the guts to just go when I want to travel somewhere, maybe by myself, maybe with a friend or with someone I've never met. I want so bad to be like those I look up to. Who throw themselves into unknown situations without thinking twice, and that have amazing stories to tell because of it. For know I'll read their blogs, watch their youtube videos and wish I was more like them. Maybe someday I'll work up the courage to take the plunge.
