15 Things day 116| Songs by Eminem

15 Things day 115 | Songs by Kanye West

15 Things day 114| Favorite songs this February

14.02.15

15Things day 113 | Romantic movies

13.02.15

15 Things day 112 | Lovesongs

12.02.15

15 Things day 110 | Movies from the 60s

God damn it

 I wrote this post in early November, but didn't want to post it until I was out of my funk. I think now is the time to explain how I really felt.
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 I wasn't going to blog that much about anxiety. I wanted to make this a happy place where my anxiety isn't something that defines me. But you know what; fuck it. I'm going through shit right now and I need somewhere to vent, it's either this or alienating everyone I know with whats going on.

1. I didn't get a student loan. And I will not get one until I get up to speed with my school work (meaning I have to take at least two exams, in order to get student loans). Thing is, if I don't get a student loan, I can't afford going to school. And once again the fact that I was on sick-leave bites me in the arse. Bloody brilliant..  So I'm weighing my options, I will have to get a part time job, which is going to be a walk in the park with no education and very little work experience. I'm going to have to take up another loan to pay the bills I haven't been able to pay whilst waiting for my rejection letter. This is not helping my anxiety at all,

I took a nap to calm down, and dreamt that I would lose my house, my boyfriend and everything else and would be forced to live on the street for the rest of my life. When I woke up I wasn't as calm as I had hoped I would be. In this dream I was forced into becoming a stripper to pay the bills. That won't work for me because 1) I don't have a high enough confidence or low enough self respect for it. 2) I can't dance 3) I'm just not hot enough 4) I don't think we even have strip clubs in Norway, if so, I've never heard of one. Needless to say, stripping would be a lot easier of a career option if I lived in the states.

This is taking my focus away from school work so I can't seem to concentrate and I am falling behind, scrambling to pick up the pieces I'm exhausting myself with 15 hour days. And I'm still recovering from the last time I was sick, I can't in any way afford to go back there. There's a good chance I might go completely insane if that happens, no joke.

All of this is happening at a time when my anxiety, as I have previously told you, is acting up. I'm scared and worried all the time, and my "worst case scenario handbook" is not helping AT ALL. I worry about money, how I'm going to make it out of this pickle. I don't want my boyfriend to have to pay for everything, though I know he is happy to do so in order for me to get a good education. I will stop eating if I have to. I'll turn down the heat and only shower every other day or so.

This is making me moody, and I haven't been a good girlfriend lately. I normally cry a lot, but this is just ridiculous. I get so emotional it's not even funny.

15 Things day 110 | Movies from the 70s

Dinner on a budget

So, I've been home alone all week. My boyfriend had to travel for work, and that meant dinners for one. Now, I don't always bother to make dinner for two, so dinners for one are usually out of the question. I might have been known to force one of my friends to come join me for dinner at least once if I'm alone for a long period of time. This week however, I decided to make one big dinner on day one, and then try different variations of that meal through out the week. I got 5 meals out of this, no joke. I could have been a bit more creative the last couple of days as I ran out of both tortillas and cheese the second day due too poor planning ( I also may have snacked on the remainder of the tortillas on day two). Can't blame anyone but myself. But,hey, I was fed everyday and I'm happy about that!

This is how it went:

I used for the main dish:
600g chicken
1 can of kidney beans
1/2 red onion
1 block Halloumi
1 can Tomatoes
1 pk taco seasoning
1 pk tortillas
Cheese

Salad:
1 can sweet corn
1 bag of mixed baby leaf
1/2 red onion
1/3 cucumber
1 avocado

Day 1. My take on quesadillas

Day 2. 

Day 3. 

Day 4 and 5 were a lot like day 3 to be honest, and therefore are not pictured! (-:

15 Things day 109 | movies from the 80s

Confessions pt 8.

 Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been a week since my last confession.

- I have exams coming up on Thursday and Friday, and like I always do in this type of situation, I feel like I haven't studied hard enough, haven't done enough practice tests, I haven't read the curriculum enough times. I usually get B's and C's and it pisses me off, because I want A's.

- Sometimes I think the word "no" is not in my vocabulary, I seem unable to say no to people. Need to work on that.

- I'm so scared of being perceived as selfish or egosentric/egotistic. I'm very torn, because I don't want to be that person that needs to have everyones consideration all the time, and I feel like my anxiety puts me in that position quite a lot.

- I'm obsessing hard over Shannon Saunders these days, so much so that I told my boyfriend the other day that if I ever were to get married someday, she's playing. I don't care how much I will have to pay, I need to have her playing at my wedding. End of discussion

- I'm going on a sunny holiday with my mum come March, and I was planning on wearing a bikini. You know, get some rays on my pale lizardlegs. This weekend I've been eating nutella straight from the jar, with a spoon. Might me going for the wetsuit look that week..

08.02.15

15 Things day 108 | Movies from the 90s

08.02.15

15Things day 107 | Movies from the 00s

I wish

Having anxiety means I always have a way out of every situation, and I have a backup plan (well, several actually). I'm excellent at backing out of situations that I don't want to be in, mostly with shit excuses that everyone can see right through. Most people don't say anything though, I'm grateful for that. My back-up plans include being a check-out girl at my local store, working in a kindergarten for the rest of my life (which I absolutely love, don't get me wrong. Nothing beats going to the bathroom while five toddlers are banging down the door and shouting your name, makes me feel like a rock star. It's just not where my passions lie.)

I wish I had the confidence needed to believe in myself, and to believe I could do anything. A lot of people my age have got big dreams, and I envy those who believes in themselves, and have the power of will. That they can do anything they want, and that they have the power to make it happen . I, for some reason, don't. I don't know when it stopped. I remember wanting to be a singer and an actress. Oh, and a comedian. Now, I've never claimed that I'm good at acting, nor that I can sing or that I'm a funny girl. I just wanted to be, and I could probably have been with practice. It's just that I'm kind of lazy, and I had other things to deal with, like anxiety and stuff.

I want to get there. I want to be able to say "I did this, I think it's freaking fabulous and I'm proud of my accomplishment" I want to have the guts to just go when I want to travel somewhere, maybe by myself, maybe with a friend or with someone I've never met. I want so bad to be like those I look up to. Who throw themselves into unknown situations without thinking twice, and that have amazing stories to tell because of it. For know I'll read their blogs, watch their youtube videos and wish I was more like them. Maybe someday I'll work up the courage to take the plunge.

15Things day 106 | Names that starts with C

07.02.15

DIY of the week: Avocado facemask

 

You'll need:

1/2 Avocado

juice from 1/4 lemon

2 tbs Aloe Vera (I usually use my plants, but we all know how awesome I am at keeping plants alive.. Storebought kind it is!)

Whack it all together. I use a hand blender, but mashing it together with a fork does the trick! As these are fresh ingredients the face mask will not keep for a long period of time. I recommend using it the day you make it, or the day after. Don't push it beyond that. Let it sit on you skin for 30 minutes while you listen to your favorite music (I recommend my playlist in the sidebar) and maybe read your favorite book. Enjoy!

15 Things day 105 | Countries I would like to visit pt. 2

Letter to my childhood bully

Dear Childhood bully.
I forgive you. I've never been one to hold on to resentment and anger, but in the back of my mind I do wonder sometimes why I was the one who was targeted. Why wasn't I good enough? Looking  back at those years of being bullied I feel nothing but sadness. I'm sad for you. I'm sad for whatever shitty situation you were in, to make you bully others to make yourself feel better. Maybe you weren't in a shitty situation, maybe you were just a shitty person. I'll never know.

I've met you a few times after growing up. You always smile and greet me like an old friend, you always want to talk, I never have time. Do you remember things differently than I do? Did you not know that I went home everyday to cry? I spent a lot of my childhood wondering why my hair was not the right color (I knew it wasn't, because you told me so), or why it wasn't long enough or cut the right way. I wondered why I was not pretty enough, why I was to tall or to chubby. You told me I was so bad at handball I should just quit, so I did.

I know now that I'm just the right height, and my size is completely normal. And my two different eyes are beautiful, not something I should hide. My hair can be any way I want it to be, and if anybody else has got something to say about that I flip them off (inside my head of course, not brave enough to actually do it). I'm still bad at any sport, so you were probably right about that. I'll never know if practice makes perfect, because I turned out to be a quitter. If I don't get it right the first time I never try again, but I've embraced that as part of my personality.

Dear childhood bully, you didn't break me.

15 Things day 104 | February to-do list!

15 Things day 103 | Songs from the 60s

Recipe of the week: Chocolate cake with frosting to die for!

I'm not a fanatic when it comes to food, and if I'm going to eat cake you better believe that baby will be filled with sugar, butter and flour so white you get bloated just by looking at it!

To make this amazing cake you'll need:

Cake:
3 cups sugar
3 eggs
3 ts vanilla sugar
3 Tbs cocoa powder
4 1/2 cups plain white flour
3 ts baking powder
220 g melted butter ( I use half butter and half coconut-oil)
1 1/2 cup milk 
1/2 cup pineapple juice (or orange juice!)

Frosting:
400g butter
200g milk chocolate
200g ising sugar
2 ts vanillasugar
2 eggs

Here's what you do:
- Start with the frosting! Melt the butter and add the chocolate, this needs to melt and then completely cool down. This takes quite a while (we're talking hours, like four of them).

- Now for the cake, I add everything into a mixing bowl, and let your machine do all the hard work. If you don't have a mixing machine of any kind start with all the dry ingredients and add the wet ingredients slowly while whisking.

- Cook your cake at 180 degrees C for 35 minutes  and let it cool

- When the butter and chocolate for our frosting is completely cooled down, to the point where you can tip the bowl over and it stays in place, you can whisk in the rest of the ingredients.

- Frost the hell out of your cake and serve to all your friends, or eat it all by yourself!

Confession pt. 7

- I'm a dreamer. I spend to much time wishing and dreaming, and not enough time actually doing things to make my dreams happen.

- I don't know my limits. I'll work and do schoolwork and stretch my time to the point were I sleep for two days straight and eat an entire pizza by myself. I've been forced to get better at it, a year ago this week I had stretched myself so far I was on sick leave for a good six months, and I still get tired very easily. With that said I think I needed it, it made me realize I can't do everything at once

- I don't have a balanced diet. I'll get obsessions, where I'll mostly ONLY eat the food I'm obsessing over until I get bored and find myself a new obsession. Previous obsessions have been chicken salad, oatmeal porridge with egg and vanilla, crispbread with avocado and a green veggie-smoothie I drank everyday for an entire summer. OH, and questbars.

- I'm in many ways a hoarder. I keep things for ages, and once in a while I get the idea I should do some spring cleaning and I sell, throw or give away anything I haven't used in a year or so. Makes room for buying new and random things I don't need

- I take forever to start something (like hanging pictures, or anything for that matter, on the walls. Our living room has been done since may. Or folding socks, that happens maybe once a year) But when I start I'm amazingly effective and get things done in no time. Afterwards I always wonder why I didn't do it sooner

15 Things day 102 | Songs from the '50s

February playlist

 

February playlist is up! You can find it in this post and in the sidebar to the right (-: Enjoy!

15 Things day 101 | Songs from the '70s