Anxiety and exercise

I'm sure a lot of people consider me lazy, myself included. I find hard exercise hard to do, and right now I'm going to tell you why. I don't say I get panic attacks, even though that is technically what I am having, because I don't "panic". There is usually no crying, hyperventilating or other typical signs of a panic going on.

During an anxiety attack I tend to faint. Like, full on faceplant on the floor with my eyes rolling to the back of my head. This has happened once during exercise, and now I get anxiety worrying about if it will happen again. Which usually causes me to get very dizzy and feel uncomfortable during hard exercise.

Other times the anxiety attack might cause me to get cotton mouth. My tongue feels dry and double the size, my throat closes and feels like I ate an entire beach and I feel really uncomfortable. Anxiety is different for everybody, and not knowing when I'll get anxiety next or how it will play out is causing me a lot of stress, and I tend to take the easy way out and avoid situations that might trigger my anxiety. I find it sad, because exercise is important, and I will regret it when I get older if I don't take care of my body while I still can.

What I can do is yoga, and I try to do it as often as possible, I also have got some exercise equipment at home, and I've recently started going for a slow jog in the mornings (my trick againt the cottonmouth situation is chugging a pound or so of water before leaving the house, chewinggum and those chewing mints against cottonmouth you can by at your local pharmacy). I take it slow, and I should I feel uncomfortable I immediately stop jogging, and start walking instead. Overall, I'm sure it won't trigger a massive weight loss, but I don't need it to either. I'll do what I can, within my comfort zone, and with time that line will stretch and I'll (hopefully) be comfortable doing more. Have a great night, anxiety or not. Thank you for reading (-:

God damn it

 I wrote this post in early November, but didn't want to post it until I was out of my funk. I think now is the time to explain how I really felt.
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 I wasn't going to blog that much about anxiety. I wanted to make this a happy place where my anxiety isn't something that defines me. But you know what; fuck it. I'm going through shit right now and I need somewhere to vent, it's either this or alienating everyone I know with whats going on.

1. I didn't get a student loan. And I will not get one until I get up to speed with my school work (meaning I have to take at least two exams, in order to get student loans). Thing is, if I don't get a student loan, I can't afford going to school. And once again the fact that I was on sick-leave bites me in the arse. Bloody brilliant..  So I'm weighing my options, I will have to get a part time job, which is going to be a walk in the park with no education and very little work experience. I'm going to have to take up another loan to pay the bills I haven't been able to pay whilst waiting for my rejection letter. This is not helping my anxiety at all,

I took a nap to calm down, and dreamt that I would lose my house, my boyfriend and everything else and would be forced to live on the street for the rest of my life. When I woke up I wasn't as calm as I had hoped I would be. In this dream I was forced into becoming a stripper to pay the bills. That won't work for me because 1) I don't have a high enough confidence or low enough self respect for it. 2) I can't dance 3) I'm just not hot enough 4) I don't think we even have strip clubs in Norway, if so, I've never heard of one. Needless to say, stripping would be a lot easier of a career option if I lived in the states.

This is taking my focus away from school work so I can't seem to concentrate and I am falling behind, scrambling to pick up the pieces I'm exhausting myself with 15 hour days. And I'm still recovering from the last time I was sick, I can't in any way afford to go back there. There's a good chance I might go completely insane if that happens, no joke.

All of this is happening at a time when my anxiety, as I have previously told you, is acting up. I'm scared and worried all the time, and my "worst case scenario handbook" is not helping AT ALL. I worry about money, how I'm going to make it out of this pickle. I don't want my boyfriend to have to pay for everything, though I know he is happy to do so in order for me to get a good education. I will stop eating if I have to. I'll turn down the heat and only shower every other day or so.

This is making me moody, and I haven't been a good girlfriend lately. I normally cry a lot, but this is just ridiculous. I get so emotional it's not even funny.

Shutting people out.

From time to time, mostly when my anxiety is bad, I shut people out. I lock myself in my house, and barely go out to check the mailbox. This time it's not anxiety, but insomnia. I just can seem to fall asleep lately, I'll sleep for a couple of hours around 5-6 am. And I'm just so tired. By now, most of my friends are used to it, and let me have my time. They know that when I'm ready I'll reach out to them.

And I'm so eternally grateful for that,  they let me have time to relax without pushing me to go out and be social. I'm not naturally a social butterfly, and I would rather stay in on a friday night, reading a book. I find socializing exhausting due to my anxiety, but I do it anyway, which is why I rely on these days/weeks when I don't talk to anyone/go anywhere/do anything. I think a good mix of both is healthy, and sometimes I struggle to get it right. But I do try, and that's important.

I'll leave it here. Sometimes you don't need your whole vocabulary to explain what's going on inside your head. We all need somewhere to vent, and this just happens to be my own little corner to do so.

'til next time! C

This weekend.

Some days are better than others. If you're struggling with anxiety it's no different. This weekend I've been in a place of judging myself hard. Every word I say or every thing I do goes under a microscope of "who's gonna hate me for speaking those words, or for doing it that way or for simply being?" I feel judged by everyone, I mean why did the lady at my local store smile at me while I was buying 4 danish pastries? Did she think I was going home to eat them alone like the pig she's probably sure I am? I swear to god I almost cried then and there. Now that my panic attack is over I understand that she was just being nice and probably didn't look my way twice, but I hope you see where I'm going with this.

That is why my posts have been on the darker side of things this weekend, I tend to go there when my anxiety is bad. What can I say? It's one of the curveballs life throws at you. I choose to look at it as a quirk about my personality that the people I let in see as cute and not to very disturbing. Though I do try to spare them from most of it, and fight some of my battles solo.

True story: I once had a major panic attack because I thought I had depression. This was around the time I found out that what I had was actually anxiety so I googled it, which I regret to this day. Dr. Google kindly informed me that a lot of people with anxiety also had depression, and I started looking for signs. I actually sat there, in front of my computer thinking about whether I might have depression or not. I had been feeling a bit down, and this happend to be at a time my anxiety was bad. So I started crying, absolutely positive that I was depressed. Long story short; I don't have depression. Like any other humanbeing I have good times and bad times, and just because I have anxiety doesn't mean that I'm also depressed.

When I'm having a panic attack, especially if I'm in public I'm fighting those tears so hard, but I've found ways of not letting it show on the outside. Sometimes I win that battle, sometimes I lose it. I used to worry about being perseived as weak for crying in front of others, now I just think; fuck it. If they think I'm weak, let them. Chances are; they haven't been in a similar situation before. And for that I'm happy for them, I don't wish this on anyone.

It's exhausting having those thoughts, but I'm working through it one day at a time. I don't have as many panic attacks as I used to. The lump of anxiety in my belly isn't there all the time anymore and I have found ways of dealing with how I turned out to be in a way that works for me at this moment in time. It is a lot easier knowing what this is, instead of wondering what's wrong with me. I'll admit it was easier when I thought this was something everybody was dealing with. The time in between finding out not everybody felt that way and finding out why I was, was hard, but I got through it. You can't let it consume you. Bad times pass and luckily I have more good days than bad days.

 

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