13.02.15

15 Things day 112 | Lovesongs

12.02.15

15 Things day 110 | Movies from the 60s

God damn it

 I wrote this post in early November, but didn't want to post it until I was out of my funk. I think now is the time to explain how I really felt.
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 I wasn't going to blog that much about anxiety. I wanted to make this a happy place where my anxiety isn't something that defines me. But you know what; fuck it. I'm going through shit right now and I need somewhere to vent, it's either this or alienating everyone I know with whats going on.

1. I didn't get a student loan. And I will not get one until I get up to speed with my school work (meaning I have to take at least two exams, in order to get student loans). Thing is, if I don't get a student loan, I can't afford going to school. And once again the fact that I was on sick-leave bites me in the arse. Bloody brilliant..  So I'm weighing my options, I will have to get a part time job, which is going to be a walk in the park with no education and very little work experience. I'm going to have to take up another loan to pay the bills I haven't been able to pay whilst waiting for my rejection letter. This is not helping my anxiety at all,

I took a nap to calm down, and dreamt that I would lose my house, my boyfriend and everything else and would be forced to live on the street for the rest of my life. When I woke up I wasn't as calm as I had hoped I would be. In this dream I was forced into becoming a stripper to pay the bills. That won't work for me because 1) I don't have a high enough confidence or low enough self respect for it. 2) I can't dance 3) I'm just not hot enough 4) I don't think we even have strip clubs in Norway, if so, I've never heard of one. Needless to say, stripping would be a lot easier of a career option if I lived in the states.

This is taking my focus away from school work so I can't seem to concentrate and I am falling behind, scrambling to pick up the pieces I'm exhausting myself with 15 hour days. And I'm still recovering from the last time I was sick, I can't in any way afford to go back there. There's a good chance I might go completely insane if that happens, no joke.

All of this is happening at a time when my anxiety, as I have previously told you, is acting up. I'm scared and worried all the time, and my "worst case scenario handbook" is not helping AT ALL. I worry about money, how I'm going to make it out of this pickle. I don't want my boyfriend to have to pay for everything, though I know he is happy to do so in order for me to get a good education. I will stop eating if I have to. I'll turn down the heat and only shower every other day or so.

This is making me moody, and I haven't been a good girlfriend lately. I normally cry a lot, but this is just ridiculous. I get so emotional it's not even funny.

15 Things day 110 | Movies from the 70s

Dinner on a budget

So, I've been home alone all week. My boyfriend had to travel for work, and that meant dinners for one. Now, I don't always bother to make dinner for two, so dinners for one are usually out of the question. I might have been known to force one of my friends to come join me for dinner at least once if I'm alone for a long period of time. This week however, I decided to make one big dinner on day one, and then try different variations of that meal through out the week. I got 5 meals out of this, no joke. I could have been a bit more creative the last couple of days as I ran out of both tortillas and cheese the second day due too poor planning ( I also may have snacked on the remainder of the tortillas on day two). Can't blame anyone but myself. But,hey, I was fed everyday and I'm happy about that!

This is how it went:

I used for the main dish:
600g chicken
1 can of kidney beans
1/2 red onion
1 block Halloumi
1 can Tomatoes
1 pk taco seasoning
1 pk tortillas
Cheese

Salad:
1 can sweet corn
1 bag of mixed baby leaf
1/2 red onion
1/3 cucumber
1 avocado

Day 1. My take on quesadillas

Day 2. 

Day 3. 

Day 4 and 5 were a lot like day 3 to be honest, and therefore are not pictured! (-:

15 Things day 109 | movies from the 80s

Confessions pt 8.

 Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been a week since my last confession.

- I have exams coming up on Thursday and Friday, and like I always do in this type of situation, I feel like I haven't studied hard enough, haven't done enough practice tests, I haven't read the curriculum enough times. I usually get B's and C's and it pisses me off, because I want A's.

- Sometimes I think the word "no" is not in my vocabulary, I seem unable to say no to people. Need to work on that.

- I'm so scared of being perceived as selfish or egosentric/egotistic. I'm very torn, because I don't want to be that person that needs to have everyones consideration all the time, and I feel like my anxiety puts me in that position quite a lot.

- I'm obsessing hard over Shannon Saunders these days, so much so that I told my boyfriend the other day that if I ever were to get married someday, she's playing. I don't care how much I will have to pay, I need to have her playing at my wedding. End of discussion

- I'm going on a sunny holiday with my mum come March, and I was planning on wearing a bikini. You know, get some rays on my pale lizardlegs. This weekend I've been eating nutella straight from the jar, with a spoon. Might me going for the wetsuit look that week..

08.02.15

15 Things day 108 | Movies from the 90s

08.02.15

15Things day 107 | Movies from the 00s

I wish

Having anxiety means I always have a way out of every situation, and I have a backup plan (well, several actually). I'm excellent at backing out of situations that I don't want to be in, mostly with shit excuses that everyone can see right through. Most people don't say anything though, I'm grateful for that. My back-up plans include being a check-out girl at my local store, working in a kindergarten for the rest of my life (which I absolutely love, don't get me wrong. Nothing beats going to the bathroom while five toddlers are banging down the door and shouting your name, makes me feel like a rock star. It's just not where my passions lie.)

I wish I had the confidence needed to believe in myself, and to believe I could do anything. A lot of people my age have got big dreams, and I envy those who believes in themselves, and have the power of will. That they can do anything they want, and that they have the power to make it happen . I, for some reason, don't. I don't know when it stopped. I remember wanting to be a singer and an actress. Oh, and a comedian. Now, I've never claimed that I'm good at acting, nor that I can sing or that I'm a funny girl. I just wanted to be, and I could probably have been with practice. It's just that I'm kind of lazy, and I had other things to deal with, like anxiety and stuff.

I want to get there. I want to be able to say "I did this, I think it's freaking fabulous and I'm proud of my accomplishment" I want to have the guts to just go when I want to travel somewhere, maybe by myself, maybe with a friend or with someone I've never met. I want so bad to be like those I look up to. Who throw themselves into unknown situations without thinking twice, and that have amazing stories to tell because of it. For know I'll read their blogs, watch their youtube videos and wish I was more like them. Maybe someday I'll work up the courage to take the plunge.

15Things day 106 | Names that starts with C

07.02.15

DIY of the week: Avocado facemask

 

You'll need:

1/2 Avocado

juice from 1/4 lemon

2 tbs Aloe Vera (I usually use my plants, but we all know how awesome I am at keeping plants alive.. Storebought kind it is!)

Whack it all together. I use a hand blender, but mashing it together with a fork does the trick! As these are fresh ingredients the face mask will not keep for a long period of time. I recommend using it the day you make it, or the day after. Don't push it beyond that. Let it sit on you skin for 30 minutes while you listen to your favorite music (I recommend my playlist in the sidebar) and maybe read your favorite book. Enjoy!

15 Things day 105 | Countries I would like to visit pt. 2