This weekend.

Some days are better than others. If you're struggling with anxiety it's no different. This weekend I've been in a place of judging myself hard. Every word I say or every thing I do goes under a microscope of "who's gonna hate me for speaking those words, or for doing it that way or for simply being?" I feel judged by everyone, I mean why did the lady at my local store smile at me while I was buying 4 danish pastries? Did she think I was going home to eat them alone like the pig she's probably sure I am? I swear to god I almost cried then and there. Now that my panic attack is over I understand that she was just being nice and probably didn't look my way twice, but I hope you see where I'm going with this.

That is why my posts have been on the darker side of things this weekend, I tend to go there when my anxiety is bad. What can I say? It's one of the curveballs life throws at you. I choose to look at it as a quirk about my personality that the people I let in see as cute and not to very disturbing. Though I do try to spare them from most of it, and fight some of my battles solo.

True story: I once had a major panic attack because I thought I had depression. This was around the time I found out that what I had was actually anxiety so I googled it, which I regret to this day. Dr. Google kindly informed me that a lot of people with anxiety also had depression, and I started looking for signs. I actually sat there, in front of my computer thinking about whether I might have depression or not. I had been feeling a bit down, and this happend to be at a time my anxiety was bad. So I started crying, absolutely positive that I was depressed. Long story short; I don't have depression. Like any other humanbeing I have good times and bad times, and just because I have anxiety doesn't mean that I'm also depressed.

When I'm having a panic attack, especially if I'm in public I'm fighting those tears so hard, but I've found ways of not letting it show on the outside. Sometimes I win that battle, sometimes I lose it. I used to worry about being perseived as weak for crying in front of others, now I just think; fuck it. If they think I'm weak, let them. Chances are; they haven't been in a similar situation before. And for that I'm happy for them, I don't wish this on anyone.

It's exhausting having those thoughts, but I'm working through it one day at a time. I don't have as many panic attacks as I used to. The lump of anxiety in my belly isn't there all the time anymore and I have found ways of dealing with how I turned out to be in a way that works for me at this moment in time. It is a lot easier knowing what this is, instead of wondering what's wrong with me. I'll admit it was easier when I thought this was something everybody was dealing with. The time in between finding out not everybody felt that way and finding out why I was, was hard, but I got through it. You can't let it consume you. Bad times pass and luckily I have more good days than bad days.

 

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